Goldilocks
by pyrrhicvictoly
Summary: This one was juuuuuust right. Except for that bit with the flesh-rending claws and the teeth and stuff.


**I. Wolfram**

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful boy named Wolfram, though many called him Goldilocks. This was because he had hair as brilliant as golden silk. It curled about his face in waves, and was the envy of all the ladies.

But Wolfram had, unfortunately, fallen to the curse of his own beauty. He was fawned upon continuously as he grew up, and his tutors were less strict than they ought to be, hesitant as they were to punish such an angelic-looking child. To put it simply, he was a spoiled brat.

One day, Wolfram was traipsing about in the woods when he got lost and came upon a little hut. He was tired, and the hut was conveniently right in front of him, so he decided to call upon the inhabitants. Perhaps, he thought, they would be so kind as to provide him with some food and water, or just directions at the very least. After all, no one could say no to such a stunning vision as he.

He knocked, but no one answered. Curious, Wolfram tried the knob and found the door to be unlocked. The inside of the little house was modestly decorated. Wolfram scanned across the living area, took note of the stairs, and settled his gaze at the wooden table. Immediately, his hunger came growling forth as he caught sight of the steaming ramen - three bowls laid out, but no one in sight.

Well, he ate the ramen, and found only the last to be to his liking. He went upstairs and tried the beds, but found only the last to be to his liking. And he slept far longer than he planned, for when he woke, there were three pairs of black eyes staring at him curiously.

"Well," the largest bear said in a bemused voice, "I suppose the mystery is solved."

They were _bears_.

Bears! Talking bears! Bears standing upright, dressed in human clothing! Wolfram suddenly felt faint. He mentally calculated the distance to where he had placed his sword. He wondered if magical bears were as flammable as regular bears.

"Aww~ Yuu-chan, there's a human boy in your bed! Isn't he adorable?" the second bear cooed. She was dressed in a frilly pink frock, and Wolfram automatically associated her with the too-soft cushions and the little bits of sparkly pink decor strewn throughout the place.

The littlest bear sulked. "No, he's not. He ate my ramen."

"Ahem. Excuse me," Wolfram said, feigning confidence. "You're the one who left your ramen out like that. Everyone knows ramen goes soggy after three minutes! You really have no one else to blame for this situation, and you could even say I did you a favor, saving you from soggy ramen. Why, I would never have lowered myself to eat _peasant bear food_ if I'd had a choice."

"Soooo~ cuuuute~" the pink-clad bear said. "I'll make curry for you next time!"

The littlest bear pouted. "Mom, he's in my bed. It's gross. And I think he just insulted us."

"Who's gross? Who are you calling gross, you stupid wimpy bear!"

"You take that back! I am not a wimp!"

"Not a wimp? Pah! Look at your teeny little claws and your teeny little teeth! A _bearbee_ would have more bite than you! I bet you'll grow up to be as pink and frilly as your stupid mother!"

"Rawr!" the little bear gave a tiny roar. He swung his little bear paw at Wolfram and struck the boy across the cheek.

Immediately, a dreadful silence descended upon the room.

And that was how Wolfram got himself engaged to a reluctant bear. Their life thereafter was filled with trials and tribulations and inter-species angst.

Well, at least his fiance was cuddly, even if he was a wimp.

* * *

><p><strong>II. Yuuri<strong>

Once upon a time, there was a boy. There was nothing special about this boy. He was neither the strongest nor the smartest. He was not the most beautiful; he was not the most kind-hearted.

Then one day he fell through a wormhole into another universe where he _was_ all of these things. Or, well, at least he'd found a type of strength he hadn't had before, and the people praised him for being the smartest and most beautiful and most kind-hearted even though he knew for certain that he was still the same as he always was. Even though he knew himself to be plain, they locked him up in a cage as something precious to the point of being untouchable.

It was tiring, trying to live up to these new expectations, and Yuuri took to running off into the woods to escape, though he never made it far. On one such excursion, he tripped over a fallen branch and tumbled down a hill. He landed in an unfamiliar part of the forest and spent many hours wandering. Yuuri thought he would surely die, he was so lost.

But then he saw lights coming from the distance. He rushed forth and found it to be a cozy home in the woods. Yes! He was saved!

Yuuri pounded on the door, but there was no response. "Hello? Is anyone there? It's kind of an emergency!" he yelled. But there was no response. How strange, he thought, that the lights would be on, but nobody home. Perhaps they were rocking out with headphones or something - that was the only explanation he could come up with.

Dejected, he wandered around to the side of the house, attempting to catch a glimpse of the inhabitants through a window... but the blinds snapped right in his face!

"Hey, that's rude!"

"I apologize on behalf of my brothers."

The voice had spoken up from behind him, and when Yuuri turned around, he screamed. "Bwaaaaah~! Holy crap, a talking bear!"

Panic ensued. Yuuri scrambled back and screamed even louder when the talking bear reached out for him with its sharp, flesh-rending claws. The blinds snapped back open, and he was greeted with the snarling muzzles of two more bears, whose bone-crushing teeth seemingly promised a lifetime of pain.

"Please calm down," the first bear said. He attempted to make soothing motions with his giant bear-arms, which had Yuuri thinking that these were evil, _thinking_ bears who were trying to get him to trust them so he'd be easier to catch and eat.

"Get back! I have pepper spray!"

The truth of the matter was that he had lost his pepper spray when he had fallen in the woods, but the bear didn't know that, Yuuri reasoned. It didn't quite cross his mind that the bear didn't know what pepper spray was in the first place.

"It's all right," the bear said. "We're not going to harm you."

"Suuure, that's what they all say."

"We may look frightening, but that's because of a curse..."

_Bam!_ The window slammed open. "Stop wasting your time on him, Conrart!" the largest bear snapped. The then pointed at Yuuri. "And you! Stop screaming nonsense and either get inside or get lost, otherwise I'll be forced to hunt you down and rip out your innards!"

Yuuri immediately froze up and allowed the less-scary bear to push him towards his doom. He remained frozen even as he was given a seat and surrounded by three hulking pillars of bear-flesh towering over him.

The smallest bear (who was only small when compared to the other bears - he was still a huge-ass grizzly by human standards) scoffed. "You were going to let him get away again, weren't you, Conrad. You _always_ let them get away," the bear said.

"Ahaha... They've always asked me to let them go."

Yuuri guessed that this bear was smiling. It was hard to tell since bears couldn't exactly curl their lips in the same way as humans, but his eyes were squinted in just such a way as to suggest a smile. "Ah, I apologize. How rude of us not introduce ourselves! My name is Conrart, but you may call me Conrad. This is my older brother Gwendal, and this is my younger brother Wolfram."

The bear's squinty eyes squinted even more. Yuuri's glance darted around the room, back and forth between the other bears, down at his own hands, up at the ceiling... And then he thought, 'Aw, screw it. I'm dead anyway, so I might as well be polite until the end. Mother always said to treat others with respect.'

"P-pleased to meet you," he said. "Um, I'm Yuuri."

Conrad turned his squinty eyes at his brothers, as if to say, 'See that? Look, we made a human friend!' Or at least that's what Yuuri imagined him to be thinking.

What followed was a tale of woe.

Three princes, the most handsome devils (literally, for they were actually demons) in all the land, cursed by... well, not quite by a spurned lover or anything like that, but cursed nonetheless.

"So you're princes," Yuuri said once they had finished speaking.

The bears nodded.

"And you've been cursed into bears."

They nodded yet again.

"By the most evil witch in the land, the Poison Lady Anissina!" Wolfram emphatically spat out the name of their enemy. "And it was Mother who ordered it!"

Yuuri had no desire to involve himself in such a vicious family dispute, for he knew all too well about the horrors of overenthusiastic mothers and the strange lengths to which they would go to do what was "best" for their children. He wisely chose to remain silent about that matter.

"Right. So, in order to break this curse, you need a human to, um, be willing to share your food..."

Nods all around.

"...and your b-beds..." At this point, Yuuri's thought train not only derailed, but crashed into a tree, bowled it over, and started a wildfire in the jungle. "Okay, hold on now. Is the bed-sharing thing really necessary for curse-breaking? No offense, but I don't want to get mauled to death in my sleep."

"While I do question the logic behind that, it has been written in Anissina's curse-breaking manual," Conrad said.

Gwendal held up a scroll that had been resting on their coffee table, and as Yuuri examined this, he discovered that it did indeed say just that. In neat, bulleted points, even. Evil though she may have been, Anissina paid great attention to detail when it came to her experiments - a sign of a true scientific mind.

"Well, what's the point of all this?"

Gwendal lowered his growling bear-face to Yuuri's level, which almost made Yuuri have an accident in his pants. Almost.

"You are to let us take care of you," he boomed imperiously. "We shall each take turns cooking dinner for you and letting you sleep with us. If you have not run away by the end of these three days, then we will have passed the test."

"What test? Who's being tested? It's more of a trial for me than it is for you!"

"It is a test!" Gwendal beamed icy hate-lasers at Yuuri's head. Yuuri almost swore it gave him brain freeze. Alas, Gwendal continued on. "Our mother has been trying to find ways to make us become more 'sociable'. She does not understand that those in positions of power must naturally be wary of hangers-on who would use us if we allowed them to come too close. This curse has been designed according to her whims. It is a test to see if the three of us are capable of..." He trailed off, gritted his teeth, and grated out the last of it. "...To see if we can 'make friends'".

Yuuri pondered this predicament; pondered it deeply. Eventually, he came up with only a single burning question that he desperately needed answers to:

"There have been other people who've wandered by before me. Please tell me you didn't eat them."

Wolfram turned an unhealthy shade of red under his pelt. "OF COURSE NOT! EVEN THOUGH WE'RE BEARS, WE'RE STILL PEOPLE! WE'RE NOT CANNIBALS, YOU DUMBASS!"

Conrad merely gave Yuuri a happy eye-squint.

-oOo-

On the first night, Gwendal cooked up a storm. It was the first time Yuuri had ever had such a delicious gourmet experience. With only the meager supplies in their pantry and the goods gathered from the forest, Gwendal managed to craft a five course meal worth three Michelin stars, possibly four. For dessert, they even had a beautiful layered cake shaped like a kitten.

As far as last meals went, this was a good one, Yuuri thought. Even though Gwendal's glare sent chills down his spine throughout the entire affair... Perhaps Yuuri would not make it to see another sunrise, having been flattened by a bear in his sleep, but at least that was the best damn kitten-cake he'd ever had.

Gwendal, however, did not crush Yuuri. The largest bear merely cuddled his human companion like a precious little plushie. In fact, Gwendal's bed was overflowing with curious stuffed animals. His corner of the bedroom looked like it belonged to a little girl, which was creepy as all hell. Wolves dressing up as grandmothers had nothing on Gwendal.

Yuuri made it through the night alive, and he came to understand that Gwendal was a big softy. But still... whenever Gwendal glanced in his direction the next day, Yuuri would remember the image of a giant killer bear lying amongst cute hand-made toys, and he would get the chills.

-oOo-

Conrad made curry because Yuuri said he missed his mother's curry, and even though Conrad's curry was not his mother's curry, it was still pretty good. Spending the night with Conrad was also fine, thank god. No stuffed animals. No... being cradled like a teddy bear _by an actual bear_.

But now it was Wolfram's turn. Yuuri wasn't looking forward to this because he had recently discovered that Wolfram was a skilled mage. All their cooking fires were started by Wolfram because it was hard to strike flint using one's paws, but while it was great that they never ran out of hot water even in such a remote place, Wolfram's control over his powers was sufficiently lessened when he got emtionally revved-up.

Yuuri didn't enjoy having his pants fried off. Also, the image of a magical bear chucking fireballs at him would give him nightmares for the rest of his life. This bear was too hot! Literally! And he hadn't done anything except fail to tamp down on his gag reflex when he smelled the soup that Wolfram had made.

Wolfram was still fuming as they edged into the bedroom. The bear had his arms crossed over his chest, and glared as Yuuri carefully lifted up a corner of the blanket.

"Just get in the damn bed, you wimp. I'm not going to kill you," Wolfram grumbled as he climbed into bed.

Yuuri let out the breath he had been holding and slid in after the bear. "Well, g-good night then, Wolfram..." But Wolfram was already out like a light.

-oOo-

"You'd better explain yourself, Anissina! We've followed your instructions and yet we're still bears!"

Yuuri groaned and rubbed at his eyes. The first thing he heard as he woke up was Gwendal's shouting, and for some reason, the pillow was rock-hard and his neck hurt.

"Technically, he spent most of the night on the floor, so it doesn't count," said a woman's voice.

"Let's just have him do it again!" This was Wolfram.

"It also says right here that each human may only have one try. Otherwise how could I be sure they weren't runaways who you kidnapped and tied to the bed?"

Who spent the night on the floor? What was going on? Yuuri yawned and pushed himself up.

...He was on the floor. And he was surrounded by all three bears and a red-haired woman.

"But I'm saying I'll tie myself down so I can't push him out in my sleep! Yuuri will tell you that he didn't try to run away, and that it was an accident that he fell off!" Wolfram pleaded with the woman, but she was unmoved.

Yuuri, fully awake at this point, felt his jaw drop. "Oh, shit, you're still bears. So... everything we did these past three days has been useless?"

The red-haired woman - Anissina, he presumed - solemnly nodded her head. "Unfortunately so. I declare this experiment to be... a failure! Now I must devise another method to return you to your original forms. I'll be back once it's done - don't wait up."

She scuttled out the door like a cockroach.

-oOo-

That evening, everyone was in low spirits. Wolfram was sulking over the fact that his sleeping habits had cost them their humanity, and while everyone had assured him there was no way to have known such a small technicality would invalidate their curse-breaking attempt, he had nonetheless locked himself in the shared bedroom begun to paint away his anger and sorrow. The soup that he had made for the previous day's dinner, while wholly unpalatable, had turned out to make a very nice paint base.

Gwendal was sitting hunched over by the fireplace, knitting as fast as his paws would let him. He strange creatures he churned out were crooked and nearly falling apart from numerous dropped stitches - a state that reflected his current mood. Every once in a while, he could be heard to mumble something about how being a bear made all the cute bunnies afraid of him, and that if he had to be a bear, couldn't he at least be a cute one.

Yuuri sat with Conrad out on the porch, watching the stars.

"Um, you guys seem to be living rather well as bears. Is it... really all that important to you to turn back right away?"

Conrad smiled. It was a smile which Yuuri assumed would look reassuring on a human face, but was toothy and frightening on a bear.

"Life as a bear is not so bad," Conrad said. "Unfortunately, my brothers do not agree."

Yuuri nodded in sympathy. He also would not like to be turned into a bear.

"It's true that I also find these paws to be an inconvenience sometimes. I'm afraid my sword skills are rather rusty these days." This was accompanied with another smile, which gave Yuuri even greater insight into how painful it must be to be mauled by a bear, much less a bear with a sword.

Still, his optimistic bent on things was very admirable. It left Yuuri thinking, hey, maybe he could take his baseball-loving bear-friend to see the Cubs someday. Provided, of course, that the game wouldn't be cancelled the moment a real live bear was spotted in the bleachers. And that was when Yuuri realized that even if the turning-back-into-princes thing would be delayed, this ending would be a happy one, for they had all learned the value of friendship and sharing.

True enough, Anissina appeared the next day and popped them full of needles, and then Yuuri and the three princes formerly known as bears formerly known as princes lived happily ever after.

That is, until the time when Anissina turned the brothers into ducks. But once they turned back again, Yuuri and the three princes formerly known as ducks formerly known as princes formerly known as bears formerly known as princes... lived happily ever after. And they spent their days in the castle singing Purple Rain and making obscure pop culture references.

* * *

><p><strong>III. Ken<strong>

Blond hair. Blue eyes. Pale skin.

And most definitely NOT anyone's idea of the ideal beauty.

Murata Ken lounged on the beach with a smirk on his face and a fruity cocktail in hand. (Virgin, of course, because this body was still under the legal drinking age.) His hair was dyed again, the contacts were in; the speedo was on.

"Hi, Shibuya!" he greeted his friend.

Yuuri, who was delivering drinks to seaside patrons as part of his summer job, stopped to stare. His eyes widened as he took in the scene, and he nearly dropped the glasses was carrying.

"Murata! What...? Who...?" he asked incoherently.

"How's your summer so far?"

"Murata! Who are those guys!"

"Oh, them?" Murata glanced to the side, to where a large, hairy man was fanning his master with a palm frond. Behind him were two more equally large, hairy men, waiting on call.

Murata snapped his fingers and gestured the others over. "Javier, rub sunscreen on my back, please. And Hans? Could I get a foot massage? Thanks for the drink, Shibuya. Paul will take it from there."

The men moved into position as Yuuri pinched himself to see if he was awake. Palm-frond-Paul took the tray of refreshments off his hands, and Yuuri was able to get a close-up look of the giant foreign man.

"Paul, Hans, and Javier? What's going on here? Why are these men... Are they serving you?"

Murata grinned and said, "I won them in a poker game. Normally, I wouldn't gamble, but the prize this time was just right."


End file.
